Second Thoughts

Nothing seems very certain these days. Career-wise, I'm at a bit of a crossroads. I'm starting my 8th year of practice and am technically eligible for partnership at the end of 2009. I don't know if I really want to make partner or not. I'm thinking not. But where does that leave me? Now is not exactly the time to be looking for a new job. Even if I wanted to, where does that leave me? Just because I want it doesn't make it so. Although I guess if I really wanted it, I'm pretty sure I could get it - I'd just have to put in the work. Which again brings me to, do I really want it enough to put in the work? And Boon's career is up in the air as well. His current job isn't necessarily permanent. With our careers kind of up in the air it puts where we live up in the air. Right now we live in Lakewood and both commute down to Irvine. Doesn't make much practical sense, but neither does moving to Irvine (see above uncertainty re careers).

I also saw an article today about this attorney who left the practice because she didn't love it and went on to pursue creative writing. This made me feel sad. I don't love the practice. But I don't really know what career I would love. If I left the practice, what would I do? What would I pursue?

On the homefront we're supposed to be moving N into his own room in a week or so. I'm completely torn about this. There's little I love more than snuggling up with him at night, breathing in the scent of his hair and skin and listening to him breathe. But I haven't had a decent night's sleep since I first got pregnant with N, and that was almost 3 years ago. For one thing, he still wakes to nurse, although we've cut that down to about once a night. The other thing is that he's all over me at night. We often end up sleeping in the shape of a sideways T, with me all the way on the edge of the bed, and him with his head on my stomach or chest or neck. He likes to drape himself acros my neck. A lot. I don't think moving him into his own room will immediately or even eventually stop his night waking. The only way to really stop that is to stop nursing him, which I guess is the plan once we move him to his own room. I want to have a good night's sleep. I really, really do. But I am so reluctant to give up nursing him, even though I still haven't gotten my period back and want another child soon.

Things feel very complicated and I just want them to be simple. I want to feel sure about something. That I'm making the right decisions.