Baby Steps

Well we decided not to move him into his own room, just to completely night-wean him instead. I am happy with this. I think N is too.

N is also saying "uh-oh," although sometimes it comes out "uh-ah" instead. Just have to keep working on the long oh sound. He will also say Yeah, and is starting to use yeah and shake his head for No. Even though his vocabulary is still very limited, I actually think his progress has been pretty good - making improvements pretty regularly.

It made me angry when Boon's mom said that Ennio's progress was slow. Really, really angry. What does she expect? And really, his progress has been pretty good lately, I think. I'm also sick and tired of hearing them keep telling us that so and so's kid didn't start talking until 2 and half. I don't care. I really don't. I also don't believe her because their definition of "talking" is incorrect. They don't think when a child uses a word, even if it's a made up word (e.g. Amadeo used to say mem mem to mean more food) that it isn't a word. So they don't consider that to be talking. Stupid. It's really frustrating dealing with them sometimes. Really, really frustrating.

The Last Night

Tonight is to be my last night of nursing N during the night. Tomorrow night we are completely weaning him from night nursing (although I'm still holdig on to nursing him before bed). Coincidentally, I just got my period back after nearly 2.5 years. I don't know exactly how I feel about completely night weaning him. I guess it's time, but according to whom? I know that I've complained about lack of sleep for so long now. Probably it'll be better for both him and me for him to totally night wean - he can hopefully get a full night's sleep and so can I. Lately he's been a total nursing fiend. His routine is to wake up anywhere between 3 and 5 am and want to nurse. Sometimes he'll nurse on both sides and that'll be enough and he'll roll over and go back to sleep. But often he'll just be on and off the boobs for a long time. This is no good because neither of us sleeps well. So we decided to move him into his own room tomorrow night. Part of me wants to do this - it'd be nice to have our room back to ourselves, to be able to watch TV in bed. But part of me really doesn't want to give up sleeping with N in the same bed. I love it. I love it even when he is draped all over me. Also part of me doesn't want to do it just to spite my father-in-law. Who is obsessed with us moving Ennio into his own room. Well I suppose there is still time to change my mind about it all. . . .

No, it's all for me

Ennio has learned to shake his head to mean "no." I'm sure over time this will get irritating, but right now, it's super cute. When he's eating, I ask him, "should mama eat some?" He shakes his head. Then points to himself. I find this to be quite charming. Of course probably not the greatest thing that he doesn't want to share his food with me, but I think he does it for laughs. Because when he wants me to eat something, he'll say so. At night I like to ask him, "is Pluto going to nuss?" He unlatches himself and shakes his head. Or he just doesn't bother unlatching and just pushes Pluto away. Then he points at himself. "Ohhh," I say, "Ennio's going to nuss. Just Ennio." This seems to make him happy.

First words

Ennio now has 3 words in his vocabulary. Mama, dada, and moh (more). He started saying mama around Thanksgiving, and by mid-December, I think he had added Dada and moh. Since we've been back from the east coast, he will also make the T sound for Thomas (when prompted) and F sound for fire (when prompted). He's also starting to make the V sound when he plays with his cars. He's definitely babbling a lot more and seems to be making noise all the time these days.

Last night I was feeling utterly depressed about his speech progress, just wanting to be able to see new signs of progress every day. But Norg reminded me that the progress is slow, but not to lose sight of what improvements he is making. It is hard not to lose hope. It is hard to be around other children who don't have his speech problems.

But it isn't hard to remember that we are lucky. We are lucky that we identified his problems so early on and got him in therpay so soon, at such a young age. And we are lucky that his problems aren't as great as we initially feared. And he's a sweet boy. A happy boy.

Off the Mat

Every morning and every evening during my commute, I listen to NPR. Obviously there have been a lot of stories lately about people being unemployed, getting laid off, etc. They interview people who talk about how happy they are just o have a job, even if it means no pay raise, or cut back in perks. They've profiled people who have found themselves begging, literally panhandling on the street for the first time ever. One man with such a story approached me in the parking lot of Trader Joe's last Thursday. I gave him $5. All of these stories finally (yes, finally) got to me and I decided to pull myself up off the mat and re-engage in my career. So I had a meeting with one of the partners last Friday and got geared into a big project. I hope it will all pan out. But at the very least, I think I'm on my way to getting my attitude back where it needs to be.

Second Thoughts

Nothing seems very certain these days. Career-wise, I'm at a bit of a crossroads. I'm starting my 8th year of practice and am technically eligible for partnership at the end of 2009. I don't know if I really want to make partner or not. I'm thinking not. But where does that leave me? Now is not exactly the time to be looking for a new job. Even if I wanted to, where does that leave me? Just because I want it doesn't make it so. Although I guess if I really wanted it, I'm pretty sure I could get it - I'd just have to put in the work. Which again brings me to, do I really want it enough to put in the work? And Boon's career is up in the air as well. His current job isn't necessarily permanent. With our careers kind of up in the air it puts where we live up in the air. Right now we live in Lakewood and both commute down to Irvine. Doesn't make much practical sense, but neither does moving to Irvine (see above uncertainty re careers).

I also saw an article today about this attorney who left the practice because she didn't love it and went on to pursue creative writing. This made me feel sad. I don't love the practice. But I don't really know what career I would love. If I left the practice, what would I do? What would I pursue?

On the homefront we're supposed to be moving N into his own room in a week or so. I'm completely torn about this. There's little I love more than snuggling up with him at night, breathing in the scent of his hair and skin and listening to him breathe. But I haven't had a decent night's sleep since I first got pregnant with N, and that was almost 3 years ago. For one thing, he still wakes to nurse, although we've cut that down to about once a night. The other thing is that he's all over me at night. We often end up sleeping in the shape of a sideways T, with me all the way on the edge of the bed, and him with his head on my stomach or chest or neck. He likes to drape himself acros my neck. A lot. I don't think moving him into his own room will immediately or even eventually stop his night waking. The only way to really stop that is to stop nursing him, which I guess is the plan once we move him to his own room. I want to have a good night's sleep. I really, really do. But I am so reluctant to give up nursing him, even though I still haven't gotten my period back and want another child soon.

Things feel very complicated and I just want them to be simple. I want to feel sure about something. That I'm making the right decisions.